I’ve been playing that game with Baby M where if she presses my nose it makes a beeping sound. Great fun except it backfired today I was having a nap and she thought my nose horn wasn’t working and hit it as hard as she could with a wooden mallet.
Baby Bashes Daddy
Posted by
on February 10, 2012
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Snow
Posted by
on February 5, 2012
2 comments
Somebody is up before dawn yelling “Snow, snow, snow. Let’s play”
That somebody is me. Wifey pulls the duvet over her head. ‘Let’s sleep.’ she moans.
A layer of whiteness covers the streets. A sprinkling of magic that hides the dog sh*t and the McDonalds wrappers.
I pace the house waiting for baby to wake up and looking longingly at the whiteness outside.
This is the first snow my daughter will have ever seen. It will be one of those memorable moments like her first walk or when she first saw Iggle Piggle in In the Night Garden.
As soon as she is awake I point out the snow to Baby M.
She looks at it like a weary teenager. And walks over to the table picks up the remote control and tries to switch on the TV.
Despite this lack of enthusiasm I persevere. I wrap her up and take her outside into the snow covered garden. Our winter wonderland.
I want to capture her reaction. I want to see the look of amazement as she crunches the snow under foot. And looks at a world transformed
Her reaction is – screams. Screams, tears and more tears.
We go back inside.
That’s kids for you. They never fail to surprise you.
She is now playing with her doll. I am off again outside to throw snowballs and make a snowman.
Twitter Terrorists and Bomb Pancakes
Posted by
on February 3, 2012
3 comments
This week we learnt that two unfortunate British tourists were barred from entering America after joking on Twitter that they were going to ‘destroy America’ and ‘dig up Marilyn Monroe’.
It made me think that maybe there were more potential terrorists advertising their murderous intensions on Twitter. So I started doing by own sleuthing and soon stumbled across a terrorist act about to happen in, of all places, New York.
I sent the CIA Brooks details straight away but i fear i might have been too late to save the day.
Then i found this.
Not clue as to which country though.
But this man gives more details.
This is worrying as over half the population of America is obese.
Its possible he is in cahoots with this female terrorist who is making explosive devices out of batter.
And there are some people who don’t want to destroy America they want to destroy the whole planet and will us everything at their disposal.
I have sent their details to MI5 and the CIA.
Funny Children’s Answers
Posted by
on January 31, 2012
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Flying cars and Family cars
Posted by
on January 27, 2012
3 comments
What ever happened to flying cars? When I was at school, I remember seeing pictures of the future and they always had flying cars in them. But where are they? All right I know we have got other things I could never dream of as a kid like mobile phones and the internet and endless animal videos on tap. But Its 2012, the future is now. So where are all the flying autos? Sometimes life can really disappoint. I mean we don’t even have ones that hover. Let alone whizz round the tops of skyscrapers.
I have been thinking of flying cars because we need to change our car and I have been looking for a new one.
Currently we have a BMW 318. It’s a design classic but totally impractical as a family car. For a start it’s a convertible so has a soft top, which isn’t very safe when you have a child. What we need now is something safe and reliable. I have been looking online for car deals and I have to say I am very impressed by the new range of Chevrolet family cars. I love their design – it appears that a family car does not have to lead to comprise on design.
And I like all the safety features: the anti-lock Braking System (ABS) to control braking; the Traction Control System (TCS) to keep you firmly on the road; the Electronic Stability Control (ESC) which is activated in case of emergency; Electronic Brake-force Distribution (EBD) controls the front and rear braking effort; the six airbags and the seatbelt pre-tensioners.
The missus is very keen on the Orlando a seven seat car which does look very impressive. But unless she knows something I don’t I’m not sure we need that many seats. I prefer the Cruze hatchback – with its sweeping curves and steep, coupe-like roofline, dual port front grille and “swept” headlamps it looks cool, sexy and pretty damn fine. It’s just a shame it doesn’t fly.
Eye Candy for Pregnant Ladies
Posted by
on January 24, 2012
2 comments
As we all know, unless you are an expecting dad in which case you are about to find this out very soon, women go a bit weird when they are pregnant. To me these images perfectly sum up the pregnant woman condition.
Created by a Canadian graphic designer and mother. She made them so that pregnant ladies could have their very own eye candy to look at.
Baby M eats solids for the very first time
Posted by
on January 13, 2012
10 comments
Can you remember the first time you ever ate solid food? The very first time you were introduced to a culinary world that consisted of something more than milk? As you were likely to have been under one years old at the time the answer is likely to be no, but i wonder when you did, whether you made a face like this?
I’m not the kind of daddy blogger who posts endless pictures and videos of their kids, exclaiming how cute they are. But this video of my daughter trying to work out how to chew and swallow food is, i think, very cute.
How much electricity does my baby consume?
Posted by
on January 12, 2012
1 comment
This is a sponsored post on behalf of British Gas.
How much does baby cost in electricity? This is the question I have been pondering this week.
According to our British Gas electricity bill our usage has quadrupled in a year. We have a gas cooker and gas central hating. So the increase in electricity I reckon must be down to the washing machine and the extra washing of baby’s clothes. But can that really lead to a 4x increase? Wifey has another theory – she says it’s because I am working from home more and proves that I am watching daytime TV. An accusation I strongly refute.
By pure coincidence I was contacted this week and asked if I’d like to write about British Gas Smart Meters.
Apparently British Gas want to educate people about smart meters, how they work and how – by showing the energy you use in real time – they can be used to efficiently manage energy consumption in a household and save money.
Smart meters replace current gas and electricity meters, and with the addition of a stylish Smart Energy Monitor (that can easily be placed in a kitchen or dining room) you will be able to see how much energy you’re using in pounds and pence… So you can see exactly what it costs to boil a kettle, play your favourite x-box game, watch an hour of TV. Run one washing cycle etc
They seem a really good idea. At the moment I have no idea what of our electric devices consume. It would be very useful to know what we are using.
The British Government has mandated that by 2019 all homes in the UK will have a smart meter and they hope their introduction will make all of us much more aware of energy consumption, help us save money and also reduce carbon emissions. And I think they might be right.
I was listening to a radio programme the other day about a school that had installed smart meters, and by getting the kids involved in science projects to monitor electricity usage and switch off classroom lights, shutdown computers etc had managed to reduce their electricity bill by over £100k.
British Gas have committed to helping their customers enjoy the benefits of smart meters (http://www.britishgas.co.uk/energy-efficiency/smart-meters.html rel=”nofollow”) early. They have already started this roll out with over 400,000 smart meters installed across homes and businesses in the UK. They say this will grow to around 1.5million by the end of 2012.
I am hoping that they will give me a smart meter soon. Then I can get to the bottom of the mystery of the extra electricity and prove my innocence.
Must go now, Loose Women is on TV.
Oh and if you want to learn more about Smart Meters ,watch this video
British Gas: Our vision for a smart future
The Longest Day – Potty Training
Posted by
on January 10, 2012
5 comments
For years I’ve wanted a child. It took over 5 years and a lot of struggles and heartache to make our daughter. But on Saturday when wifey announced that she was going to a day spa and “don’t you remember you agreed to look after baby for the day”, my first reaction was fear, closely followed by horror.
She told me weeks ago. I vaguely remember wifey saying she wanted a day off but I was watching football at the time and didn’t pay full attention. She is a cunning one wifey. She used to make her controversial proposals just after sex, when lying in bed with my soppy grin and serotonin flooding my body I’d happily agree to anything. But we rarely have sex now, so football is the new post-coital.
Its not that I don’t love my daughter its just that as millions of mums and dads will testify to, they are bloody exhausting.
I function best as a daddy when I can give her a short period of fun attention. Read her a book, jump on the bed together, dance to a rave tune. Babysitting all day is a different matter. It’s also a totally inappropriate term when there is no sitting involved. More like, baby sit down-get up -run around-sit down-get up-try and read the paper-get up.
As she left there was anther wifey curve ball – “remember we are potty training so no nappies, just watch her and when she looks like she is doing a poo or a wee move her to the potty.”
Great. I can’t even watch the telly now.
As baby plays with her tea set I watch her like a hawk and look for the signs. But I can’t see any. So after ten minutes I elect to sit her on the potty.
She sits there reading her book. Quite content. She’s obviously been observing daddy’s toilet time. After 5 or so minute she gets up. I look inside the potty. Nothing.
30 seconds later she has shat all over the carpet.
She looks at me.
I look at her.
“Uh oh’ she says.
It’s the first of many accidents.
Between potty time we watch animated penguins dance for over an hour on You Tube. We go to the park and go up and own the slide over 20 times in a row. We read the same nursery rhymes dozens of times. We jump on the bed. I bath baby, feed her and she is sick. (On reflection, jumping on the bed after breakfast was not the smartest move.) She also pees in the kitchen, and the lounge twice. All before 10.30 am.
By the time wifey arrives back home at 8 that night glowing from her facial and all day pampering I am a broken man. But overjoyed.
“She peed in the potty. She peed in the potty. It was only a little one. But she peed in the potty” I excitedly tell wifey, slightly delirious.
I choose not to mention the 9 times she didn’t.
I love football because in a game of football you have high drama, periods of boredom, tears, joy, elation, disappointment, frustration, excitement, all packed into 90 minutes. Child care is similar. Except its like watching or playing 10 games of football back to back.
Respect to all mothers of the world and all stay at home dads. I salute you.
Parenting Star Wars Style
Posted by
on January 7, 2012
7 comments
Ever watched Star Wars and wondered what the Stormtroopers family life might be like? Nope? Me neither but one Swedish woman has.
Photographer Kristina Alexanderson has taken a series of photos depicting Star Wars Stormtroopers and Clone Troopers as parents.
The Flickr set shows the Storm Troopers doing normal day-to-day activities with their kids.
The first Storm Trooper toy Alexanderson used was her son’s action figure. After that, she bought others, as well as LEGO minifigs to use as children.
“I’m interested in relations,” she says. “The troopers have many attribute that make me want to work with them. They are male, and I like the thought of trying to give them feelings, relation, they are human, not machines.”
Landmark Twitter legal case could decide who owns your feed
Posted by
on January 7, 2012
5 comments
An interesting legal case in the US could determine who owns a company’s Twitter feed – the writer of the feed or the company.
Blogger Noah Kravitz, used to blog about his company PhoneDog, but is now being sued by his former employer. When Kravtiz left the company his employer asked him to give up his Twitter account, titled @ PhoneDog_Noah, which was followed by 17,000 Internet users. Kravitz refused.
Since then he has been hired by a competitor, TechnoBuffalo, and according to the lawsuit uses its Twitter feed “to denigrate PhoneDog.”
PhoneDog is seeking $340,000 (approx £220,00) in damages, based on a value of $ 2.50 per user. It strikes me that places a large value on the ability to connect.
Mr. Kravitz testified that he had left PhoneDog on good terms, and with the consent of the company to carry on tweeting. Yet he says he found himself the target of legal proceedings eight months later, after he says he claimed 15% of gross advertising revenue from PhoneDog.
PhoneDog has defended itself in a statement released by the newspaper: “The costs and resources invested by PhoneDog Media to advance its reputation and its number of subscribers in social media are important, PhoneDog Media considers them his property “.
We intend to act decisively to protect our client lists and confidential information, as well as our intellectual property and brands,” added the company.
Legal experts are saying the outcome of the case is likely to set a precedent in the online world in terms of ownership of accounts on social media.
It’s a fascinating case. And there are two ways of looking at it. Its either evil conapny claiming the life and identity of poor wage slave? Or unscrupulous employee running off with company assets as he leaves. Take your choice. I’m not sure what side I am on. But I am keen to learn the outcome.
Heartbreaking Letter to Santa
Posted by
on December 20, 2011
2 comments
I have just stumbled acros this letter to santa from a 7 year old girl, which makes me very thankful that wifey and I are not divorced and that we spent xmas together as a family with our daughter.
Like any little girl, she wants puppies, an iPhone, money – but her #1 request was “custady pappers that says I can see my dad more oftan.” Sadly, she’s more likely to get the puppies and iPhone than time with her father.
Teen draws 60 foot penis on parents’ roof
Posted by
on November 29, 2011
19 comments
You have got to admire the audacity of this teenager. Rory McInnes painted a giant phallus on the roof of his parents’ West Berkshire mansion, apparently after watching a programme about Google Earth.
It was there for a whole year before his parents found out!
Birthday gift for wife
Posted by
on November 26, 2011
14 comments
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and I have been looking for gifts for her. She says she doesn’t like surprises and would prefer, but does she really mean that? I like giving surprises, although looking back over past purchases my track record is pretty patchy.
Early on in our relationship I bought her a stripper pole. She had been flirting with the idea for months. But she was seriously underwhelmed when she got one for her birthday. And suffice to say it lies under our bed never used, although I still live in hope.
The other year I got her a gym membership. She had been talking about getting back in shape and I thought it would make a lovely gift. But she said it was insulting and scowled at me all night.
I should have learnt my lesson about that one because she didn’t appreciate the cook book I got her for Xmas, or the bathroom scales.
My wife said they were gifts that said you are fat, lazy, and cant cook. Not things I actually think about my beloved but I can see now why she believed that I what I thought.
The car sat-nav I got her two years ago didn’t go down much better. She is useless at directions and so I thought she’d appreciate it.
I think choosing bad gifts must go in the family because I still remember the year my grandma got me 3 pairs of socks, the wrong size, and 1 can of Lynx which said ‘not to be sold separately’ on the side (obviously one of a multipack) all wrapped in Minnie mouse wrapping paper. I was 27.
So after seven years of marriage maybe wifey is right to ask for her birthday gift to be cash rather than a “surprise”. But then again maybe I will get her some flowers. Surely you can’t go wrong with flowers direct to the door can you? After all everyone likes flowers don’t they? I have just to make sure I stick to a beautiful bouquet and don’t swerve into more unconventional territory. Like the time I bought her a cactus. And wrapped it in paper and she got needles in her hand when she unwrapped it.
Not the actual cactus I got my wife but similar. She wasn't impressed. She asked me if it it was how I saw her - prickly.
