Daddy Detective

Is it wind? Does she want attention? Is she sleepy? Has she done a poo? Is she trying to do a poo? Is she bored? Is she hungry? Is she sick? Does she want to sit up? Does she want to sit down? Does she want to have a cuddle?

Having a baby means you have to have Sherlock Holmes powers of deduction to solve the riddle of baby’s crying.
It’s gonna be so much easier when she can talk and simply tell me what is wrong.

Oh Sleep How I Miss You

Baby is sick and I am not getting any sleep.

Sleep. What a beautiful word.
The soothing s leading on to those two e’s that snuggle so nicely next to each other, all cosy, and warm nestling between the headboard of the l and the p.
Oh how I wish I was one of those e’s .  
And is it just me or doesn’t the p, look like the head of a man emerging from a duvet?
Oh sleep how I miss you.

Dispatches From The Fatherhood Frontline Week 11

‘Things I have learnt:

Nappies leak.
Eco nappies leak even more.
They may be good for the environment and reduce landfill but the non oil based elastic replacement (no doubt made from organic tofu by South American natives) is not very elastic.

The smell of a baby is the best smell in the world.
The smell of a baby’s poo is not so good.
The smile your daughter gives you when she wakes up and sees you can make your heart burst with joy.
Looking at the world through a baby’s eyes is like taking LSD
The other day the two of us spent 10 minutes just staring at a leaf.

Baby screams and hangovers don’t mix.
Baby’s have a novel way of trying to go to sleep.

As adults we have learnt that the best way is to lie still shut your eyes and be silent.Baby’s prefer to lie on their backs with their eyes wide open, roll around madly shaking all their limbs and scream in baby talk the equivalent of “I CAN’T GO TO F-KING SLEEP” over and over for approximately ten minutes. Absolutely exhausted they then fall asleep.

Fatherhood – Funny Music Video

Fathers, check out this very funny music video that celebrates dads.

Apparently UK parents drive on average 1,300 miles a year trying to get their children to sleep. Inspired by this stat, the clever people at Fiat cars have made a music video that celebrates the late might drives of desperate dads who use a car’s gentle vibrations to get their kids to nod off.

The Fatherhood (Fiat 500L 12″ Remix) is a fantastic 80s pastiche that takes viewers back to the decade of hilarious hair, when New Romantics were young and carefree.

Set in the dead of night, The Fatherhood follows a weary dad-of-two trying to get his screaming babies to sleep by driving them around the neighbourhood. As he drives, he starts to sing with brutal honesty and humorous irony about his long-lost youth and he questions how he’s gone from Jack the Lad to Jack the Dad with lyrics such as:

It sometimes seems ironic as I binge on Radio 4
That the one fun act, that got me here, I don’t get that any more.
I’m looking forward to the peace when you’re a little older,
No more urine on my trainers, no more vomit on my shoulder

With oh-so-serious poses to camera, dreamy dance sequences, a Kate Bush knock off and a unicorn, the film takes visual cues from the 80s music videos everyone loves to hate, and offers a humorous and edgy insight into the mind of a new dad, that had me laughing out loud.

The Fatherhood is the second film from Fiat that tells the truth about life as a parent. After the phenomenal success of The Motherhood, Fiat is now telling the Dad’s side of the story.

The Fatherhood features the new Fiat 500L, Fiat’s latest addition to the Fiat 500 family. The new Fiat 500L is aimed at style-conscious young families who are looking for a car that not only meets their practical needs but also reflects their personality. Significantly larger than the iconic Fiat 500, the Fiat 500L is plenty big enough for a family of five.

Heartbreaking Letter

I have just stumbled acros this letter to santa from a 7 year old girl, which makes me very thankful that wifey and I are not divorced and that we spent xmas together as a family with our daughter.
Like any little girl, she wants puppies, an iPhone, money – but her #1 request was “custady pappers that says I can see my dad more oftan.” Sadly, she’s more likely to get the puppies and iPhone than time with her father.

Bonding Among The Ballcocks

Last weekend we visited my parents. While wifey and mum went shopping with baby I decided to spend some man time with dad. I asked him what he wanted to do? Go fishing? Go down the pub? Watch some football? Anything you want dad, my treat. But I knew what his answer would be – “Visit Wickes.”  Wickes, the DIY superstore.

I hate DIY.  When I was 10, dad said to me that he didn’t want me to grow up like him and have a manual job (he used to be a welder, he is retired now).  He urged me to read and educate myself and take my studies seriously. He wanted me to be white collar not blue collar.I took this to heart and decided not to get involved in metalwork and woodwork at school. Consequently I have no interest in DIY.\r\n\r\nBut to Dad, Wickes is his Wembley, his Gucci, his perfect day out. Amongst the ball cocks and plasterboard he is at home. If they allowed him to, he’d stay in one of their sheds.\r\n\r\nAs we wander the aisles, him in nirvana fondling sandpaper and lovingly caressing screwdrivers, I try to feign interest whilst stifling my yawns.

Now that he is retired  and bored I ask him why he doesn’t get a job working at Wickes.
“I’d hate dealing with the public asking stupid questions about grouting and plumbing,” he says.
“Like me?” I’m always phoning him up to ask the best way to fix a shelf that is wobbly or what do when a fuse blows.
“Your my son, thats different.” He says.
It’s a tender moment. He is not a man to express emotion but that’s as close to a “I love you” as I am likely to get.

With that in mind I have decided that I am going to get involved in DIY. Now that I am a father I have decided to put my hatred of DIY aside and learn how to use a power tool and grout and all that manly stuff.  So I have invited dad to help me do up our bathroom. When I asked him, I could swear he had tears in his eyes.

Dad Fail

I am not the perfect father by any means but at least I am not as stupid as this dad. Watch this shocking parenting fail video as a dad attempts to skateboard down a ramp at a skate park while holding his young son. The father is seen at the top of the ramp holding the toddler in his arms, but as soon as he starts to skate down the ramp he loses control and the pair slam to the ground, with the youngster smacking his head on the concrete ramp. Neither of them are wearing any protective clothing.

It is not known who the dad is or where he lives although he appears to be American.

Wifey’s Birthday

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and I have been looking for gifts for her. She says she doesn’t like surprises and would prefer  cash, but does she really mean that? I like giving surprises. Although looking back over past purchases my track record is pretty patchy.

Early on in our relationship I bought her a stripper pole. She had been flirting with the idea for months. But she was seriously underwhelmed when she got one for her birthday. And suffice to say it lies under our bed never used,  although I still live in hope.

The other year I got her a gym membership. She had been talking about getting back in shape and I thought it would make a lovely gift. But she said it was insulting and scowled at me all night.I should have learnt my lesson about that one because she didn’t appreciate the cook book I got her for Xmas, or the bathroom scales.I know. I know. In retrospect not the best gift for wifey. But I thought she\'d like the colour.\r\n\r\nMy wife said they were gifts that said you are fat, lazy, and cant cook. Not things I actually think about my beloved but I can see now why she believed that I what I thought. The car sat-nav I got her two years ago didn’t go down much better. She is useless at directions and so I thought she’d appreciate it.

I think choosing bad gifts must go in the family because I still remember the year my grandma got me 3 pairs of socks, the wrong size, and 1 can of Lynx which said \’not to be sold separately\’ on the side (obviously one of a multipack) all wrapped in Minnie mouse wrapping paper. I was 27.

So after seven years of marriage maybe wifey is right to ask for her birthday gift to be cash rather than a “surprise”. But then again maybe I will get her some flowers. Surely you can’t go wrong with flowers direct to the door can you?  After all everyone likes flowers don’t they? I have just to make sure I stick to a beautiful bouquet and don’t swerve into more unconventional territory. Like the time I bought her a cactus. And she got needles in her hand when she unwrapped it.