50 Shades of Parenting

It all started with an innocent question over breakfast.
Darling have you got a pilots license? Asks my wife.
You mean can I fly a plane? I say.
Yes.
No.
Oh.

A few days later.
Darling. Have you got a pilot’s uniform?  She asks.
What like a fancy dress outfit?
Kind of.
 No. And you know how I hate fancy dress parties.

The following morning.
Darling I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to assert your manliness. Really? Are you sure?
Yes.
But you hate it when I tell you to pick up your dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. You get angry and tell me not to treat you like a child.
I like the way you said dirty. I can be very dirty sometimes can’t I? She says seductively.
What’s going on?
She moves in closer.
I want you to dominate me. I want to be your submissive.

Then the penny drops.
You’ve been reading that Fifty Shades of Grey haven’t you?
She smiles.
Yes I have and its opened up a whole new side of me. I want to be your sex slave. I will have sex with you whenever you want me to.

But when I tried it last week you told me to get off because you were watching Desperate Housewives.

You should have insisted. That’s what dominants do. You should do what you want whether I want it or not.

You sound like a Conservative talking about rape. How about you tell me when you want me to dominate you and I’ll pretend I don’t know and then I’ll sneak up behind you, grab you and carry you off to bed.

Mmm that sounds nice. But be careful of your back. You don’t want to have to  go to the physio again.

Ok I’ll drag you across the floor.

I like that. But make sure there aren’t any of baby’s toys in the way I don’t want to get injured like when you stood on her xylophone and you cut your foot.

Ok. So you’ll give me the sign. I’ll pretend you haven’t given it to me. Then I’ll sweep the floor of all known toys, pull you across the floor and into the bedroom. Where I will have my wicked way. Loudly and manly.

Not too loud though honey. We don’t want to wake M.

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