Like a stampede of wildebeest, I hear them before I see them. I look up and they are upon me a screaming multi-headed multi-limbed mass of amped up, sugar high kids.
From my experience, on the whole in the real world kids are polite and defer to adults and wouldn’t push past you. But this is their world. Their kingdom. And adults will be crushed.
The Soft Play Safari in Holloway is no place for men.
It is at that moment, just before I am trampled on by a barrage of tiny feet, that I vow to get myself life insurance.
It had started nice enough – myself and my daughter were playing together amongst the coloured balls. But then she wanted to explore. So I let her clamber around the soft plastic structures as I enjoyed lying in the sea of balls, thinking I was on some early nineties chill out room comedown.
I am snapped back from my reverie by my daughter’s cries.
“Daddy, Daddeeeeee, Help”
She is two levels above me and is standing trembling by a plastic rope bridge. How did she get up there so quickly?
“Hold on darling, daddy’s coming”
I climb up a padded log ramp and promptly slide down. This is trickier than it looks. Feeling like I’m in an episode of Total Wipeout, I climb again and get to the top, only to be confronted by two large foam rollers with a ridiculously small gap between them. How am I going to get through that?
I try and squeeze my body and beer gut through and fail miserably. This is where I would normally not bother trying again. I am big fan of Homer’s philosophy, ”If it at first you don’t succeed, give up.”. Thats Homer, as in Homer Simpson. But I can’t give up, a crying child needs me. So, going head first, I take a deep breath and push again. The other side of the rollers is a comedy distorted mirror. I can see my bright red face poking through the bright pink padded labia and realise this is what childbirth looks and feels like.
When my whole body is through the padded pussy, I drag myself puffing and wheezing to the next padded room where I have to climb through a tunnel. By now I am hot, sweaty and exhausted, but I can see my daughter, “Daddy” she shouts and waves to me from behind the netting on the next level up. All I need to do is clamber up the slippery slope and I’m there. Its just then that I am hit by the stampede of kids.
I am knocked to the floor. I am crushed under a barrage of little feet as they head towards the yellow tunnel. All I can do is curl into a ball and wait for the assault to pass.
I need to get out of here fast before I receive any more damage.
I pick myself and run to the rope bridge and scoop up M. I rush across the rope bridge so quickly that I have no time to contemplate my vertigo, hold her tight as we tackle the bumpy slide and then rebirth myself again through another set of padded vagina.
Finally we are free.
Never again will I visit the soft play, well at least not until I have searched for life insurance quotes online.