My Little Soldiers – my debut novel

infertility comedy novel

My debut novel My Little Soldiers  published by Piranha Press is now available on Amazon here.

My Little Soldiers is a bittersweet comedy about one man, his sperm and his quest for a baby.

By my calculation at least seven people have seen my girlfriend’s vagina in the last two weeks and that’s not counting me. Thalia’s private parts have became public ones. She seems to be constantly visiting the clinic for a new scan. And thanks to the dildo cam I am now getting a daily update on the state of her ovaries.

Once upon a time a woman’s sex organs were to me like 16th-century America — its coastline known but its interior a hidden mystery. Now I know way more than a man needs to know about a woman’s inner workings.

Mike really wants to become a dad but when he discovers his little soldiers are firing blanks it blows his whole world apart.

As he journeys through the heart wrenching world of IVF,  Mike’s relationship with his feisty girlfriend Thalia, and his friendships with his fertile mates and his family are pushed to the limit. But through the pain Mike is able to see the funny side of assisted conception, and eventually learns what is really important in life.

My Little Soldiers is an IVF romcom that throws the spotlight on one of the last great taboos – the secretive world of male infertility.

Vacuum Ponytail by Dad

Daddy Dazed salutes this clever dad who has come up with a very innovative shortcut to tying his daughter’s hair – using a vacuum cleaner! Only a dad could think of this.

 

Rush / Grand Prix competition

Hey dads – fancy winning two VIP tickets to the British Grand Prix?

To celebrate the release of Ron Howard’s Rush on Sky Store next Monday (January 27th), Sky Store is running a competition to win a VIP trip to the British Grand Prix, which includes: 2 x seats in the VIP box at Silverstone on 4th , 5th and 6th July; three nights in a five star hotel and travel to the venue; and a chance to go behind the scenes with Sky Sports F1

There aren’t any questions to answer or premium phone lines to call, all you need to do is rent Anybody who rents Rush from Sky Store from the 27th of January until the 23rd of February will be automatically entered into the competition.

220px-Rush_movie_poster

The movie Rush tells the gripping story of the 1976 Formula One season and the fierce rivalry between F1 drivers James Hunt and Niki Lauda.

Chris Hemsworth plays Hunt and Lauda is played by Daniel Brühlas.

2nd Prize in the competition is  2 x tickets to F1 Show at Sky Studios – including travel & accommodation.  3rd Prize is a Rush Goody Bag that includes a  McLaren team shirt signed by Jenson Button and a  Rush poster signed by the movie stars and director.

You can learn more about the competition here. And you can rent Rush here.

Daddy Gadget: Remote Controlled Heating

The best inventions save time and money, and as a father I have precious little of either, so its great when a new gadget comes along that promises to save me both.

Some clever chaps at Hive have invented an exciting new product which lets you monitor, alter and control your heating and hot water all through the touch of a button on your smartphone or browser! You can adjust your schedules and temperatures away from home with the option for alerts to be sent to your mobile if temperatures reach a certain level.

daddy gadget

This sounds like a great device. Never again will have to arrive home to a freezing house. Never again after playing in the snow with my daughter will I have to wait for the water to warm up before we can have a defrosting bath.

Of course this time saving device only works if I remember to use it on my smartphone. Sadly there is no invention I know of that can improve my soggy, fuddled brain and memory.

Devil Baby Video

Daddy Dazed loves this video of a devil baby let loose on the streets of New York City.

The very life life-like “devil baby” is in fact an animatronic, in a remote controlled stroller with hidden cameras recording people’s reactions. It was made to promote the horror movie Devils Due.

The dangers of television

Wifey has a rough time at work recently. She said she wanted to find something to make her happy. And she thinks she might be able to find it in Zara. So on Sunday I let her go shopping and I hang out with M.

We do some chasing games and bounce on the bed then we watch Peppa Pig until she falls asleep on my chest.  With time to myself, I consider playing some pc games but then I change my mind, place M on the sofa and pop in my The Wire box set DVD. And promptly fall asleep.

The Wire

When I wake up Toddler M has got some baby powder from the bathroom cupboard, wrapped it in a newspaper and says she wants to  “Go out. To work the corner.”

I pick up the phone to call wifey. M knocks it from my hand and says “Don’t be silly daddy. Wire. Feds listen”.

NB: For readers who don’t know (ie Mum and Dad) The Wire is a clever, sometimes darkly funny, perfectly plotted, crime drama series that gives a complex portrayal of the illegal drug business in Baltimore, USA. The title refers to the wire taps that the cops use to listen in on the street gangsters’ elaborate drug dealings.

The script is full of street slang and is hard to understand (although Baby M had no trouble) and it stars British heart throb actor Dominic West as a maverick cop.
It is one of the greatest tv shows to have ever been made.

50 Shades of Grey and a Baby

It all started with an innocent question over breakfast.

Darling have you got a pilots license? Asks my wife.

You mean can I fly a plane?  I say.

Yes.

No.

Oh.

 

A few days later…..

Darling. Have you got a pilot’s uniform?  She asks.

What like a fancy dress outfit?

Kind of.

No. And you know how I hate fancy dress parties.

 

The following morning.

Darling I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to assert your manliness.

 Really? Are you sure?

 Yes.

 But you hate it when I tell you to pick up your dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. You get angry and tell me not to treat you like a child.

I like the way you said dirty. I can be very dirty sometimes can’t I? She says seductively.

What’s going on?

She moves in closer.
I want you to dominate me. I want to be your submissive.

Then the penny drops.

You’ve been reading that Fifty Shades of Grey haven’t you?

She smiles.

Yes I have and its opened up a whole new side of me. I want to be your sex slave. I will have sex with you whenever you want me to.

But when I tried it last week you told me to get off because you were watching Desperate Housewives.

You should have insisted. That’s what dominants do. You should do what you want whether I want it or not. 

You sound like a Conservative talking about rape. How about you tell me when you want me to dominate you and I’ll pretend I don’t know and then I’ll sneak up behind you, grab you and carry you off to bed.

Mmm that sounds nice. But be careful of your back. You don’t want to have to  go to the physio again.

Ok ill drag you across the floor.

I like that. But make sure there aren’t any of baby’s toys in the way I don’t want o to get injured like when you stood on her xylophone and you cut your foot.

Ok. So you’ll give me the sign. I’ll pretend you haven’t given it to me. Then I’ll sweep the floor of all known toys. Pull you across the floor and into the bedroom. Where I will have my wicked way. Loudly and manly.

Not too loud though honey. We don’t want to wake baby.

Making Reducing Energy Bills Fun for the Family (guest post)

With the nights drawing in and winter looming, now is the time to consider your home heating bills and look at ways to reduce them.

Involving all the family, including the kids, is a good way to keep those bills under control. So why not make reducing energy a competitive sport?

Try running a competition within the home, which rewards those who do the most to save energy around the house.

And why not take it further and run a competition between neighbours.
E.ON has a comparison tool as part of their energy saving toolkit, which will help your family to track your progress against other homes in your area.

Being better than your neighbours can be fun, save money and also save the planet!

How to do it:

Get A Smart Meter

It is essential that you and your family are able to track the progress you make in reducing your energy consumption as a household. One of the best ways to do this is to make use of a smart meter.

Smart meters calculate and display an accurate reading of your energy usage, showing you how much energy you are drawing at any one moment in time as well as detailing how much this is costing you. With such accurate data, you and your family will be able to see the positive effects of saving energy as they unfold.

Educate The Kids

Educate your children – point out how leaving electrical items on when you are not using them wastes electricity. Switching off unused items is a simple way to reduce your power usage. Also don’t leave laptops and mobile phones on charge unnecessarily.

Use Elbow Grease

I bet your kitchen is stuffed with labour saving devices run on electricity  – such as food processors. Try getting the family to survive for a day without these devices! You’ll burn up calories by peeling, chopping, stirring, whisking and beating. So your body may soon be as healthy as your bank balance.

Turn Off The Lights

Get everyone to off the lights when they leave a room. And maybe punish anyone in the household who doesn’t. Avoiding being hit in the pocket money department is a real incentive.

Replace Lightbulbs

Take it one step and replace old lightbulbs with energy saving models. They last to 10 times longer than a normal lightbulb, But also, a 12 watt energy saving bulb will do the job of a 60 watt standard bulb – so you’ll only need a fifth of the electricity to run it. With the average household having 23 lightbulbs, the savings can soon add up.

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